Parenting Issues
If you are seeing Tim to discuss parenting issues or your child is seeing him for therapy, please take some time to read the following, to better understand your role as a parent across four domains, to support your child to flourish.
The text below is drawn from "PARENTS WHO CAN: The 2-CAN Way to Raising Great Kids", (c) Timothy O'Leary 2016. Further below are some resources that you can print out and use in your parenting.
The text below is drawn from "PARENTS WHO CAN: The 2-CAN Way to Raising Great Kids", (c) Timothy O'Leary 2016. Further below are some resources that you can print out and use in your parenting.
1. Focus on boosting your child's happiness factors
“Instead of raising children who turn out okay despite their childhood, let’s raise children who turn out extraordinary because of their childhoods.” LR Knost
Making happy-kids doesn’t mean always making your kids happy. In fact, if you don;t set limits on unacceptable behaviours, they won't develop self-regulation skills and may develop poor social habits. Generally speaking the research tends to show that self-regulation is the biggest predictor of success and recent findings from the Australian Longitudinal Study into Children and Families suggests that parents should teach their children self-regulation skills. We'll look at how to do this further below. The most common factor that underlies behavioural problems for children and young people is that their self-regulation skills become overwhelmed by stress or strong emotions.
2. Surround your children with 'Double-scaffolding'
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” Peggy O’Mara
Before a building is constructed and completed, first the scaffolding must go up. It’s the same for children. There are two kinds of ‘scaffolding’ you must provide for your kids:
What it means for you as a parent is to ‘be-there’ for your baby is very different to what it then means when they are teenagers, but it will always feel to them that you were there for them.
Before a building is constructed and completed, first the scaffolding must go up. It’s the same for children. There are two kinds of ‘scaffolding’ you must provide for your kids:
- the upright scaffold is all about encouragement – this helps our kids get out there, do stuff and have fun
- the cross-bars are about being there for them in their times of need
What it means for you as a parent is to ‘be-there’ for your baby is very different to what it then means when they are teenagers, but it will always feel to them that you were there for them.
The upright scaffold of encouragement, guidance and play conveys to your kids that you believe in them and celebrate their successes alongside them. You are a positive, affirming mirror, reflecting back the great qualities that you see in your child.
The cross-bars reflect the way that you help your child to manage their feelings - I liken the parent's role to that of an 'emotional co-pilot' because you help your child to 'fly-through' difficult emotions. The four images below show how emotion can either escalate into a catastrophising state or be managed so that they are felt, and pass, allowing us to then problem-solve the situation, building self-regulation skills.
The cross-bars reflect the way that you help your child to manage their feelings - I liken the parent's role to that of an 'emotional co-pilot' because you help your child to 'fly-through' difficult emotions. The four images below show how emotion can either escalate into a catastrophising state or be managed so that they are felt, and pass, allowing us to then problem-solve the situation, building self-regulation skills.
The problem of single-scaffolding
Unfortunately children who only get single-scaffolding are far less likely to be well-adjusted and successful in life. This occurs due to when a parents has an unconscious ‘bias’ towards one kind of scaffolding only.
A parent’s bias for activity over comforting
Some parents unknowingly lean towards scaffolding their child’s activity, yet under-respond to their need for help. These parents respond to their children’s cues for help with encouragement instead of comforting Take, for example, a child who falls off their scooter and cries. The double-scaffolding parent knows to offer comfort first to get them through the pain and distress. Then, when they are recovered, they encourage them to have another go on the scooter. The parent who over-comforts may not recognise that the child has recovered themselves and is ready to have another go at the scooter, and may abandon the scooter play. The child doesn't learn resilience.
Unfortunately children who only get single-scaffolding are far less likely to be well-adjusted and successful in life. This occurs due to when a parents has an unconscious ‘bias’ towards one kind of scaffolding only.
A parent’s bias for activity over comforting
Some parents unknowingly lean towards scaffolding their child’s activity, yet under-respond to their need for help. These parents respond to their children’s cues for help with encouragement instead of comforting Take, for example, a child who falls off their scooter and cries. The double-scaffolding parent knows to offer comfort first to get them through the pain and distress. Then, when they are recovered, they encourage them to have another go on the scooter. The parent who over-comforts may not recognise that the child has recovered themselves and is ready to have another go at the scooter, and may abandon the scooter play. The child doesn't learn resilience.
A parent’s bias for comforting over activity
At the opposite end of the scale, parents with a bias for comforting unknowingly over-respond to their child’s need for help, providing comfort more than encouragement and reassurance. Let’s use the previous example of the child who fell off their scooter and cried. The double-scaffolding parent knows to help them recover first, before encouraging them to have another go on the scooter, but now the under-comforting parent quickly rushes over the child's distress. The child isn't learning how to manage emotions and is instead avoiding them.
At the opposite end of the scale, parents with a bias for comforting unknowingly over-respond to their child’s need for help, providing comfort more than encouragement and reassurance. Let’s use the previous example of the child who fell off their scooter and cried. The double-scaffolding parent knows to help them recover first, before encouraging them to have another go on the scooter, but now the under-comforting parent quickly rushes over the child's distress. The child isn't learning how to manage emotions and is instead avoiding them.
Double-Scaffolding will help your child to develop the 5 Happiness Factors
Some parents worry that focusing on emotions will make things worse. It's how we focus on emotions that matters. When your child is upset, it is important to validate their feelings. Don't try to talk them out of their feelings, instead view their emotions as a temporary feeling-state that will pass, but the emotions are there for a reason. We need to be open and curious about these feelings so that we can make sense of what they mean to your child. This takes time and is a bit like putting a jig-saw puzzle together,
But over time the pieces start to fit together and with that comes a way to make sense of what was previously overwhelming or chaotic. The other benefit is that the better your child gets at self-regulation, the less they will use avoidance-behaviours like school avoidance.
Some parents worry that focusing on emotions will make things worse. It's how we focus on emotions that matters. When your child is upset, it is important to validate their feelings. Don't try to talk them out of their feelings, instead view their emotions as a temporary feeling-state that will pass, but the emotions are there for a reason. We need to be open and curious about these feelings so that we can make sense of what they mean to your child. This takes time and is a bit like putting a jig-saw puzzle together,
But over time the pieces start to fit together and with that comes a way to make sense of what was previously overwhelming or chaotic. The other benefit is that the better your child gets at self-regulation, the less they will use avoidance-behaviours like school avoidance.
3. Use high-empathy discipline
“If a child doesn’t know how to read, we teach.
If a child doesn’t know how to swim, we teach.
If a child doesn’t know how to multiply, we teach. If a child doesn’t know how to drive, we teach.
If a child doesn’t know how to behave, we …teach………… punish?
Why can’t we finish the last sentence as automatically as we finish the others?”
Tom Herner
I encourage parents use a discipline approach that builds their child’s skills, especially their self-regulation and social skills. If your discipline approach doesn’t build these skills, bad behaviour will repeat itself.
Try using the Nurtured Heart Approach because it will help you to avoid getting into opposition with your child and instead get into positivity with them. Howard Glasser created the Nurtured Heart Approach so that parents and teachers could avoid the trap of unintentionally reinforcing negative behaviour. Adults do this each time they over-react to bad behaviour but fail to recognise when their child is behaving well. Howard’s approach encourages parents to be intentionally positive towards a child’s good behaviour, but firm and neutral towards the poor behaviour. With this approach, the child soon learns that their positive behaviour is rewarded and that there’s nothing to be gained from acting badly.
You can also 'energise the success' of your child when they are successful in the five happiness factors, for example when they show good self-control, or use their social skills. You can find out more about the Nurtured Heart Approach here.
If a child doesn’t know how to swim, we teach.
If a child doesn’t know how to multiply, we teach. If a child doesn’t know how to drive, we teach.
If a child doesn’t know how to behave, we …teach………… punish?
Why can’t we finish the last sentence as automatically as we finish the others?”
Tom Herner
I encourage parents use a discipline approach that builds their child’s skills, especially their self-regulation and social skills. If your discipline approach doesn’t build these skills, bad behaviour will repeat itself.
Try using the Nurtured Heart Approach because it will help you to avoid getting into opposition with your child and instead get into positivity with them. Howard Glasser created the Nurtured Heart Approach so that parents and teachers could avoid the trap of unintentionally reinforcing negative behaviour. Adults do this each time they over-react to bad behaviour but fail to recognise when their child is behaving well. Howard’s approach encourages parents to be intentionally positive towards a child’s good behaviour, but firm and neutral towards the poor behaviour. With this approach, the child soon learns that their positive behaviour is rewarded and that there’s nothing to be gained from acting badly.
You can also 'energise the success' of your child when they are successful in the five happiness factors, for example when they show good self-control, or use their social skills. You can find out more about the Nurtured Heart Approach here.
4. Here are some resources to use in your parenting
Download these images by double-clicking on them, and PDF Versions are here:
1. Determination 2. Chill 3. Celebrate 4. People-skills 5. Reach-out 6. Keep it simple 7. Triumph
1. Determination 2. Chill 3. Celebrate 4. People-skills 5. Reach-out 6. Keep it simple 7. Triumph